Why can't those feelings last? I feel kind of punky today and a little crabby and coming off the feelings of joy, my little crabby has taken on a life of its own.
My Monday morning prayer call makes me feel wonderful and connected and at the same time there is a disconnect that takes place within me. It's a strange sensation. I must really love this call because I call every week and rarely miss one. Yet this feeling of disconnect happens every time. It's strange to watch it happen.
The wonderful thing about it all is is that I observe it happening inside me. I feel the disconnect and I watch it move through my body. Click... I've hit the off switch. I see happening and yet it is not part of me. It is some how separate from my experience. There is a part of me that is never touched and always constant it whole and perfect.
It is happening more and more that I experience what is happening around me and yet I am untouched by it.
Growth.
The love I feel for my life, my family, my friends, my community, my work, my body, my home, my being is incredible. I am blessed. I am blessed. I am blessed. So, maybe I'm not all that disconnected afterall. Perhaps being on the phone for two hours is the primary source of my annoyance. Could be.
I have a cold that is hanging on for dear life. It seems to have left my head and is drifting down towards my chest. It has been hanging on for over two weeks now and it is annoying. I want to go to the movies today, but I worry that I am going to hack my way through it and disturb the folks sitting around me. What to do, what to do? I'm going. I'll get some cough drops before I go and suck my way through the movie.
My main revelation this week is just this simple feeling of joy. I believe that this joy has always been present, it has just been covered over by all the crap that I have wrapped myself in for all these years. Problems and difficulties are illusion of my own creation. As soon as I began to unravel them, joy began to peek through.
I am so struck as I do my work in hospice that old people are cloaked in these illusions; you can hear the unending tape repeating itself through their dementia. The issues and problems, repeat themselves over and over as they speak. Oh, the words may change, but the tape keeps replaying the same old song. They have probably sung this song all their lives. And now at the end of their lives they cannot change it or do anything differently. The pattern is carved in stone. But, if it were possible to unravel it, joy would peek through.
Joy is our natural state. Look at any toddler and tell me that isn't so. It is only as the psychological injuries and hurts get heaped on does our joy begin to fade. We begin to conform to what is expected of us. Comply to survive. And the voice of joy begins to diminish.
Go play today. Even if you have to work. Play. Watch your breath. Look at the clouds. Be with a child and listen to them. See their joy and know that this is your birthright too. We are joy. Our natural state is joy. it is your natural state too.
Enjoy. No matter what you must do today, even if it is just for a moment or two, enjoy. Breathe. You are alive. And that is enough.
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