Wednesday, July 20, 2011

I Wonder...

I wonder. I am wondering. Wonder.

Isn't that a lovely word? I am wondering what the hell is going on! That is my current state. Just when I think you have a handle on things all of the old stuff comes back to bite me on the butt. Wow, it's the same old stuff, only now it's deeper, strong and it feels closer to the core. I am confused and anxious and feeling pretty bad. Oh, and let's not forget angry. Anger is the way my issues manifest. And, boy, I am feeling it now.

I suppose that I should call my old therapist and see if she can see me again. I just don't want to start into a another three year process. It can be agonizing and expensive. 

It feels as if I am missing summer. I know I missed the spring, I was so busy with Graduation and the Intensives that I never really looked up for a instant. Life is gorgeous and it is passing me by. 

So, I wonder. I wonder if I will ever be truly free of my issues, or if each layer that reveals itself will be harder and more difficult to get past. And if that's the case, do I really want to try... Hell, yes! I know the wonder of feeling free of the stuff that holds us back (even if that is an illusion until the next layer is peeled away), it's pure joy to throw off those heavy cloaks that weigh me down. So, I will work on this again, and again, and again; until I stand naked, pure and free. It's only then that I will begin the work of union with the Divine. And after all that's what I have been seeking all these years. It will take the rest of my life and probably all of the next several lifetimes, but I'll get there. Time is unimportant. 

But, first the phone call to my therapist. Sigh.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Bless What Eludes My Grasp

Lord, so many things skitter through my mind,
and I give chase to gather them
and hold them up in a bunch to you,
but they go this way and that
while I go that way and this...
So, gather me up instead
and bless what eludes my grasp but not yours:
trees and bees, fireflies and butterflies,
roses and barbecues, and people...
Lord, bless the people...bless the people:
birthday people,
giving birth people,
being born people;
conformed people,
dying people,
dead people;
hostaged people,
banged up people,
held down people;
leader people,
lonely people,
limping people;
hungry people,
surfeited people,
indifferent people;
first world people,
second world people,
third world people;
one world people,
your people,
all people.
Bless them, Lord.
Bless what eludes my grasp but not yours.

~Ted Loder