Thursday, March 11, 2010

The Soaring Eagle

I have been having difficulty sleeping since we got the cat and since I have had this cold which keeps my hacking all night. I am exhausted. I have been working hard with my patients, teaching meditation, all the reading for my classes, my father and it has been wearing me down. Sleep has been a refuge for me, but now it has eluded me and I am pooped… stressed… and dragging through my days.

Last night, I decided to take Tylenol PM. That was a hard decision for me. I don’t like Tylenol in the first place, it frightens me. Secondly, I didn’t want to disturb my dream life. I worry that if I am in a drugged state, I will not receive any messages or that it will interrupt my spiritual connection. But, I was desperate for a night without interruption, so I took the Tylenol PM and I slept.

I also had a dream that I think may have deep significance. Here it is:

Jon and I went to the movies to see a film called “The Soaring Eagle” or something to that effect. We found our seats in the crowded auditorium. The theatre was packed and we got one of the last available seats, they were high up, but not bad. We were getting comfortable and the movie was starting. I saw and eagle leap off his perch on the top of the cliff and start to soar. Then something happened and I told Jon that I needed to see the manager of the theatre about something, it was a complaint of some sort and I left Jon watching the movie.

I walked through the theatre to find the manager; I asked several people where I could find them. Everyone had a differing idea. Finally, I found him on my own behind the popcorn counter. He was a very strange, funny little man with enormous glasses. He almost looked like a cartoon. I told him my complaint and he seemed to brush it off and gave me some condescending lip service. I just shrugged my shoulders and realized that I needed to handle it myself.

So, I just wandered around the theatre, I don’t know why I just didn’t go back and watch the movie with my husband. Instead, I wandered outside knowing that I wouldn’t be able to go back in. The sky was blue and beautiful with puffy clouds and brilliant sunshine. It felt good on my skin. I walked. I came to the edge of a cliff. The vista was beautiful. Suddenly, I saw an eagle on the edge of the cliff- he took off and he soared! I watched him fly. I was him. The wind was in my face. I was the eagle and yet I wasn’t fully the eagle either. I felt so alive!

Then I knew the movie must be over, I didn’t want to leave the cliff, but I knew Jon would be worried and I went back to the theatre. I met Jon in the lobby and he asked me where I had been. He told me he loved the movie. I told him where I had been and what had happened, but I didn’t tell him how much better reality is than the movie. I allowed him to have his illusion. I allowed all of the people in the auditorium to have their illusion because it was theirs to discover for themselves.

As Jon and I were walking away, we stopped and bought popcorn from the funny little manager. He smiled at me and I smiled back.

When I woke up, I laughed. I’m not sure I understand the depth of the dream. That will have to come with time I think. However, I feel that I may be poised to fly. I will shed my illusions soon and I will take that leap off of the cliff and soar. But, I think this dream is telling me that I am not quite ready. Or perhaps it is telling me that my illusions are holding me back. I don’t really know… yet. That will come, I’m certain of it. As I move through my day, the dream will marinate in my psyche and more meaning will be revealed, but for now, this was the dream and my initial response to it.

I love dreams like this. I feel so connected and more fully alive than when I am awake and that’s the point isn’t it? We are more fully alive when we shed these bodies. The real life is when we are asleep; the truth is available to us when we are not confined in our flesh.

As a very small child, I was about four or five I think, I was playing in my backyard with some kids- they might have been my cousins, I don’t’ know for sure. Suddenly, I had the sensation of looking out through my eyes. I felt trapped in my body. It was weird. I was in my body and yet separate; I was the ghost in the machine. It was as if I were looking through a keyhole at the world inside. This feeling stayed with me for several days. Even today, if I think about it, I can reproduce the feeling of looking out through my eyes, somehow separate from it.

Is this the truth of who I am? Am I really an eagle on the cliff, poised to fly and then soar? Is that the true reality and not the movie? I am beginning to think so.