Last night I was talking to Jon about the angst I have been feeling; those feelings that were stirred up after seeing Eat Pray Love. I'm still not sure what that's all about. I need to really look at that. It's funny, you think that you are sailing along, everything is great- you are an enlightened being and then an issue pops up; something you think you've handled before, and there it is again. Only this time, it's deeper or another aspect of your issue. But, there it is staring you in the face again. I just have to laugh. It happens time and again. I think I have it handled and then there it is... again.
That's what I am feeling. I feel stirred up again about this issue of recognition. At least that's what I think I am feeling.
But, this isn't what I wanted to write about today... because of being confronted by my stuff again. I stopped and looked at my life. I am amazed, really amazed and awed, by the changes in my life and in my husband's life. Yesterday, I paused long enough to look backwards. I was awed by what I saw. Five years ago, we were different people than we are now. The change is incredible. We were struggling emotionally and financially. Neither one of us lived up to our potential. We had issues with our families. Both of us suffered abuse as children and we never moved past it. But, then Jon's parents died and things began to shift. Jon went into a deep depression that took two years to climb out of it. Their deaths was the beginning of our metamorphosis.
Prior to that I began searching for meaning. I began to pray. I began positive affirmations. I didn't really think they would work, but I did them. This is the seed of our transformation. I came to believe that they would work and that's when things really shifted. However, I knocked on the door and it was opened wide for me by the Divine. I just needed to believe.
About ten years ago, during a meditation, I saw myself on a dirt road. The incredibly, I turned my head all the way around and I saw that everything in my life brought right to where I was standing. It was a profound moment and I think of it often, but it's full meaning hasn't been completely known until yesterday.
I have been searching for and hoping that I will feel God's presence. That I will have one of those mystical experiences where I can touch God's face.
Yesterday I had that experience. I had it when I looked behind me and I saw where I had come from. The difference between me today and me five years ago is unbelievable. I am different. I know that I am worthy, I know that I have a lot to offer the world. I have gifts beyond measure. I am lovable and I love. Compassion has blossomed. It's wonderful. And that is where I felt God's presence. I see God's hand in the changes that I've made. I see God in the chance meetings and happenings that have brought good things into my life. I see it all. I had a mystical experience, it was happening all along. God has led me right to here and that is a wonderful place to be.
Thank you for my life.