Saturday, January 31, 2009

Morning is breaking; steely winter light is the appropriate description. Jon is snoring and the cat is complaining. Otto is content to drift in and out of consciousness; he is curled against my leg. Oh, the joys of Saturday mornings!

I look at my life and I read the Tao, what an incredible document it is. There are so many facets, so many twists and turns and small delights, and oh so, many ways of finding yourself in it. So simple and yet so unbelievably profound. At times, I am the stream and at times I am the stream bed. My fields are lush in their growth, and at times, my fields are all churned up muddy messes. I am the bowl and the water too. I find solace in the words, I find that my village is self-contained and I really need not look to other villages to fulfill my needs. It is all contained right here.

I think of my ministry and I feel a tremendous amount of pressure to find a spiritual home in which to perform great miracles with fishes and loaves and to be of service What if I never do? What if I spent two years of my life studying and writing paper after paper, and never find this mythical mystical place that wants to have me as its spiritual director?

Well, on this steely Saturday morning, I say it doesn’t matter. I studied for me and my spiritual growth and I have grown. I see the web I have woven, I see my ego’s dance, I know my nooks and crannies, and I even like them. However, the thing is to be of service and I have such a resistance to it. Me, me, me, me! I am reminded of the seagulls in “Finding Nemo.” There is a scene where all the seagulls are out foraging for food, one of them finds a morsel, I believe, and the rest of the seagulls start screaming, “Mine, mine mine!” All they say is “mine.” That’s how I feel. When do I lose the attachment to “me?” To be the light and lose this mantle that lays against my shoulders and weighs me down.

My aren’t I melodramatic? I sound like an ass.

I am not an enlightened being, but I try. I want to be of service. I want to have a ministry with meaning and not just to be “Marryin’ Sam.” I want to have relevance, and to help people, not just with spiritual things, but with everyday life. But, I see clearly, how “I” and “me” get in the way. I see my reluctance to get my hands dirty, I know I am afraid of their pain; if I get too close, their pain will become mine. And I am afraid.

So, now I turn to the one source that can see me through. I lay this problem at your feet, God. I turn it over to you. Help me find my way to my ministry. I surrender the “my” the “me” and the “I.” It will become apparent. I surrender.

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