Thursday, January 15, 2009

I keeping running into myself. I know that sounds strange, but that’s the truth of it. I clearly see my beliefs, biases and prejudices as I move throughout my day. I will be talking or moving through the day and in my head I hear the judgmental thought as it pops up. It is very disconcerting to be sure.

However, I understand how this seeing is helping to “clear” out my judgments in order for a new and expansive consciousness take their place. I see it, I understand it, but it ain’t easy! I see how ugly and divisive my judgments are.

It’s kind of funny that when these moments happen and I see the prejudice or bias, I find myself saying, “I don’t’ agree with myself.” How don’t you agree with yourself, but it’s true. I don’t agree with some of my thoughts. They are not how I really feel, these thoughts are born from a time when I felt threatened and needed to defend myself, or I thought I needed to defend myself, and I projected my fear out on to someone or something else. Then a belief was born.

I see it, I understand it, but it doesn’t make it easy to tolerate. I have been struggling with this seeing on many different subjects, from personal family issues to societal problems. I am sad to think that I have been holding on to some these misguided ideas just to make myself feel worthy. I see now that I am stretching and expanding and letting go much of what has held me back or kept me stuck in this place and it’s good.

In order to be enlightened, consciousness needs to expand and it cannot as long as I hold on to beliefs that no longer serve me.

I had a dream about six years ago. It was one of those totally real and commanding dreams, My husband and I were on a cruise and I had the dream at about four in the morning, I awoke with a start and realized that I had been given something important. At first I thought that I would remember it in the morning, but I realized as I started to drift back to sleep that in reality, I wouldn’t. So, I got up and fumbled around our stateroom for a piece of paper and a pencil, went into the tiny bathroom and wrote it down.

The dream was: I was seated at the knee of a giant Buddhist monk. He was so large that all I could see of him was his saffron draped knee and nothing else. Then he said in a booming voice, “Enlightenment is the recognition and understanding of the psychology behind action, thereby, preventing, reaction; creating peace in place of suffering.” I woke up.

It was so powerful that I lay there for several minutes in disbelief. Then I struggled with finding something to write it down. Since I had that dream, I think of it often and I have applied it many times. When someone was speaking to me in some outrageous way, I would call to mind the dream and I would quell my instinct to react. If I was successful, volatile situations calmed. However, now I see how it also applies to me. I see myself, I see my beliefs, I understand my psychology and I am calmed.

So, this seeing, while it may be difficult and the temptation is there to judge myself too harshly, I also see how I am being prepared for an initiation to another level of consciousness.

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