Wednesday, May 13, 2009

I woke up this morning and the reality that school is all but over and now what hit me like a ton of bricks. I will be ordained in a month. Me a minister, it seems strange and scary to even think about it. Feelings of deep unworthiness cling to me. Their tendrils are in every pore of my being.

My classmates seem to have it all together. Their sails are set and they are going to do great things, but I am trapped in all my old stuff. Isn’t it amazing how you can work and struggle to get past all of this crap and then in the blink of an eye it all comes back to smack you in the face? This morning it seems insane that I am going to be a minister… a minister of what… to whom? My days are filled with caring and cooking for my father. There is so little time for me. I move through my day from one task to the next and it seems that I can only steal a moment or two to do for me. Sometimes a shower is all the pampering I receive.

I haven’t posted for a while because since February I just haven’t had the time. I know that is just an excuse and I am whining, but the truth of it is that life took hold of me and wouldn’t let go. I spent six weeks with my father in the hospital and in a nursing home and then the past month juggling appointments with doctors and visiting nurses passing through all day. It has been busy. The good that has emerged is that we are closer and I have compassion for him now, which I never did. He wasn’t a very good father, he let me hang while my mother treated me so badly. I always resented that. He stood by and did nothing. But, that is the past and I don’t dwell there anymore. He loves me and I love him, and somehow our history just makes it all more complicated and yet more poignant.

In the midst of all my personal drama with my living situation, I managed to volunteer at Hospice and I love working there. I think I will stay for some time. I have a patient that I minister to, Marjory. She is a little old lady, not as old as my father, but far more frail. She is dying. I read the bible to her and I talk of Jesus with her. Each time I go I need to explain who I am and that’s okay. It’s not about me, is it? It’s about her. I love going to her, she gives me peace. I pray that I give her something too. I am going to see her today, I promised that I would read the Sermon On The Mount to her the next time I came.

Beyond my whining and deep feelings of insecurity and unworthiness, which I have come to know as my biggest block to enlightenment, life has been good. Jon is changing jobs, for the better, I hope. The money isn’t quite the same, but hopefully we will gain in peace and more time together. We bought a boat, which will probably end up being an albatross. Projects are not our strong suit, but time and time again, Jon thinks they are. I like where the boat is and we have a great slip, so at least it will be a place to go and enjoy the sunset. I’m glad that he has something to intrigue him.

India is becoming a reality. My visa is on its way. After Mercury is out of retrograde, we are going to purchase the tickets. Martha and I are planning on coming back as enlightened Barbie dolls. We are going to wade in the Ganga at Benares, stay at Sai Baba’s ashram, and meditate in a cave with a dead Hindu saint. How can we not be enlightened? I am terrified, repulsed, excited and thrilled to be going.

So, change is in the air; ordination, boats, jobs, dying people, Mercury is in retrograde. What does it all mean… I haven’t a clue. I know that all I can do is live my life moment to moment. My ministry will unfold as it is meant to unfold. Hospice holds the promise of being something more. Perhaps I will be a dean’s assistant next year, I applied and I think I will be accepted. I want to keep my connection with One Spirit, for me it is a life line to a community that I ordinarily wouldn’t have. I minister to Marjory, and in a fashion, I minister to my father. For now it is enough.

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