Saturday, January 16, 2010

Thank you, Isabella

I seem to be in a non-writing mode for the last couple of weeks. Life has been busy. Several things have happened in the last weeks; mainly, I am fully involved in my job. School is an encompassing presence. Jon and I have been just being together. It seems that our jobs have become a large force in both our lives, occupying so much of our time that when we do have time together, we just like to be together. And, of course, there is the force that is Isabella.

I love being with her and Adrienne. We are “The Girls.” At least once a week, the three of us have a day together. Mostly, we end up going shopping or something like that. But, mostly it is just being with Iz that is the main attraction.

Watching her, I am beginning to see what life is all about. It is all about having fun, exploring, experiencing new things, conquering fears, loving, eating and laughing. Most of us have lost this ability. We become mired in our problems, lost in our thoughts; struggling to maintain an image of ourselves that is nothing but a dream.

As a child, I was criticized for just about everything I did. It was painful. I remember the feeling of reaching out to try something new or being in the middle of something exciting and the WORD would come from on high… “What’s the matter with you?” Or something like that. I would physically recoil. So, I began to actively avoid being criticized. The result being always trying (and never succeeding) to be perfect. Mostly, I wouldn’t attempt things that might draw attention to me. I withdrew into myself. This, of course, engendered a special sort of criticism.

My main motivation became avoiding criticism at all cost. I lived my life according to my family’s view of life and not mine.

There is the set up for a life unfulfilled.

Watching my granddaughter, I see what life is meant to be… fun. Live in the present moment. Forget about what your family or neighbors think of you. They are going to think of you exactly how they thought of you years ago. Every person in my family thinks I’m flighty, inept and a little dumb. Strictly average compared to their specialness. No matter what I do, who or what I became, that’s how they think of me.

The sad part is that for years, I lived down to their expectations. I set myself up for that life unfulfilled.

Thankfully, the spirit within exerted itself and is leading me to my true self. That Being that explores, enjoys and is. My granddaughter is teaching me that. We run through Macy’s touching mannequins, looking in mirrors, hiding in the racks, watching the escalators crisscross each other carrying people up and down totally fascinated. We go out to lunch and look for tomatoes because tomatoes are the best food in the entire world. Oh, look there is a rock. We love rocks. We can even sit on this one. Wait, here is another one.

This is what life is all about, experiencing the joy and the love of it all. Now.

Thank you, Isabella. I love you.

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