The Castle Walls

I have started to write a couple times over the last six weeks and not much would come. I wrote a long and ponderous post about dying, but I didn't post it because I sounded like a pompous ass. Since moving out of my father's house I have been involved in arranging furniture and hanging pictures; activities that I love to do. I stand back and look at my little house and my hearts feels glad. It really is cute!

Being away from my father and brother has created turmoil. Not turmoil in that I am running over there and caring for my father, but turmoil because I'm not running over there and caring for him. I am very conflicted about the whole thing. I have not seen either of them at all since I left. Good thing/bad thing. I feel very guilty for walking away. I feel terrible that my father is alone. Yes, my brother is there, but my father might as well be alone. My brother does nothing. The woman that we hired to be a companion/driver says that she tells my father all the time to ask Karl for help, but he says Karl refuses. Which adds to my sense of guilt. I am torn and I don't really know how to approach the whole situation.

However, being away from my father and my brother has filled me with peace. I am my own person. My brother's passive aggressive behavior doesn't touch me anymore. I am away from his drinking, his smoking, his sick sexual fantasies which disgusted me. All of it and it fills me with comfort. I come home to my cute little house and it's clean. It's peaceful. And it's quiet.

All of this leads me to my castle walls. My defenses that I've constructed. I see perfectly how I am bound by my psychology. How my defenses hold me back and keep me from participating fully in life. How I am not my reactions; I am not ego and yet, my defenses define who I am in this body. How does one move pass these castle walls?

When I teach meditation I talk about our castle walls and how meditation slowly over the course of years will break down the castle walls and allows the light of God/Universe/Divine in. And it does do that, but I see very clearly how I am still confined by my walls. They are much more transparent, but they are still there. I guess this is the derivation of the saying, "hitting a wall," it is my own wall I keep running into. Crash! I am always confronted by myself and they same issues over and over. Do we ever leave them totally behind?

I echo Ronald Reagan (Oh, my God, I echo Ronald Reagan!) "Tear down that wall!"

Dear God, I am here. I am willing. Help me to move passed what holds me. Help me to move passed what binds. Be with me, Dear One. Help me to know who I am really am, so that I may know you more fully. Help me to stand naked, clothed only in my being, like a tree in winter, devoid of that behind which I hide. Amen.

The Heart of The Matter

The following is a sermon that I will give at the first worship service of the year. I think its message is one that everyone can relate to. 

Heartbroken, Open hearted, Heartfelt, heartbeat, heart and soul, heart space, heartsick, Bighearted, Coldhearted, Disheartening, downhearted, fainthearted, halfhearted, heartache, heartily, heartless, heart-filled, heartthrob, heavyhearted, lighthearted, softhearted, stouthearted, wholehearted. All of these words are part of our language because our hearts are not just a physical organ. Our hearts are the connection between our physical being-ness and our soul.

The heart of the matter is that all of humanity growing spiritually. But, honestly what does that mean in every day language? It seems as if our hearts must break as they open, which may be exactly the heart of the matter. We are “Broken Open” as Elizabeth Lesser’s book tells us.

And honestly it doesn’t feel all that great to be broken, broken open

We live lives behind self-constructed castle walls. We build these walls as a form of protection against the hurts, wounds and unexpected arrows flung at us by fate and fortune. The deeper the wounds- the thicker we build our walls. Some walls are almost impenetrable… almost impenetrable. No one is able to completely isolate themselves from the light of Love. No one is beyond redemption. No one can completely ignore their heart in their heart of hearts.

Spiritual practice breaks down our walls and this happens in tiny steps of which we may not even be aware. We turn around and realize that we did not react from the same old pattern. We woke up, even if it is only for a moment. Of course we will go back to sleep. We always go back to sleep.

When I was thinking about giving this talk today I meditated and in my meditation I was pondering all of the words and phrases that we just named. Heart broken, open hearted, compassionate heart… but, I also clearly heard in my head, “The Heart is a Lonely Hunter.” I read this book in high school. It was the time of the Civil Rights movement. It was a time of turmoil and heartbreak and struggles: riots, beatings, assignations that rocked our country in our very hearts, to our very souls. So, hearing the name of this book in meditation, of course, I needed to revisit it and see what was there that would help with this talk. “The Heart is a Lonely Hunter” is a story of John Singer, a deaf man and the people he encounters in a small town during the 1930s. It’s interesting that the people John Singer meets feel drawn to him and confide in him and he can’t hear what they are saying. He is safe. Therefore, in essence they are talking to themselves, baring their hearts to man that can’t hear them. John Singer has his own heartbreak that he carries alone, unable to communicate his pain. Each character has a story of their own heartbreak, broken dreams and sorrow- very much like all of us in this room.

At the end of the story, Biff Brannon, the owner of the diner in this little town, suddenly awakens… “Then suddenly he felt a quickening in him. His heart turned and he leaned his back against the counter for support. For in a swift radiance of illumination he saw a glimpse of human struggle and of valor. Of the endless fluid passage of humanity through endless time. And of those who labor and of those who—one word—love. His soul expanded. But for a moment only. For in him he felt a warning, a shaft of terror... he was suspended between radiance and darkness. Between bitter irony and faith."

Moving beyond our castle walls is unbelievably terrifying and most of us can only do it with tiny forays into the light and like hermit crabs we quickly close back up after only a moment or two in the light. It is my prayer that each of you will open your shell for just a moment and feel safe enough to feel the light during this our offering here today.

Even if it’s only for a moment I hope that you feel safe enough to rest in your heart, like our friend the hermit crab open your heart enough to feel the light. Rest in the arms of God. You are safe here. And like Biff feel that moment of radiance. If you feel it once, your’ heart will long for it again and again.

  

An old Cherokee told his grandson, "My son, there is a battle between two wolves inside us all. One is Evil. It is anger, jealousy, greed, resentment, inferiority, lies, & ego. The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, humility, kindness, empathy, & truth." The boy thought about it, and asked, "Grandfather, which wolf wins?" The old man quietly replied, "The one you feed."

I Wonder...

I wonder. I am wondering. Wonder.


Isn't that a lovely word? I am wondering what the hell is going on! That is my current state. Just when I think you have a handle on things all of the old stuff comes back to bite me on the butt. Wow, it's the same old stuff, only now it's deeper, strong and it feels closer to the core. I am confused and anxious and feeling pretty bad. Oh, and let's not forget angry. Anger is the way my issues manifest. And, boy, I am feeling it now.


I suppose that I should call my old therapist and see if she can see me again. I just don't want to start into a another three year process. It can be agonizing and expensive. 


It feels as if I am missing summer. I know I missed the spring, I was so busy with Graduation and the Intensives that I never really looked up for a instant. Life is gorgeous and it is passing me by. 

So, I wonder. I wonder if I will ever be truly free of my issues, or if each layer that reveals itself will be harder and more difficult to get past. And if that's the case, do I really want to try... Hell, yes! I know the wonder of feeling free of the stuff that holds us back (even if that is an illusion until the next layer is peeled away), it's pure joy to throw off those heavy cloaks that weigh me down. So, I will work on this again, and again, and again; until I stand naked, pure and free. It's only then that I will begin the work of union with the Divine. And after all that's what I have been seeking all these years. It will take the rest of my life and probably all of the next several lifetimes, but I'll get there. Time is unimportant. 


But, first the phone call to my therapist. Sigh.

Bless What Eludes My Grasp

Lord, so many things skitter through my mind,

and I give chase to gather them

and hold them up in a bunch to you,

but they go this way and that

while I go that way and this...

So, gather me up instead

and bless what eludes my grasp but not yours:

trees and bees, fireflies and butterflies,

roses and barbecues, and people...

Lord, bless the people...bless the people:

birthday people,

giving birth people,

being born people;

conformed people,

dying people,

dead people;

hostaged people,

banged up people,

held down people;

leader people,

lonely people,

limping people;

hungry people,

surfeited people,

indifferent people;

first world people,

second world people,

third world people;

one world people,

your people,

all people.

Bless them, Lord.

Bless what eludes my grasp but not yours.

~Ted Loder

Coming Soon: Spring!

Spring is definitely on the way! I can feel it in my bones. Yesterday I was in the backyard filling the bird feeder. I just casually looked up at the branches over head and I saw it... the leaves are just beneath the surface of the wine colored buds. My heart sang for joy!

I enjoy winter. I love the cold air on my cheeks, the hearty foods of winter the snugglily feeling of being in a warm house, the cold floor on my feet, the world blanketed with snow and the muffled sounds and deep quiet.. I enjoy these things. But, spring is near and I love that too.

The forsythia will be blooming very soon, I haven't yet seen one, but I'm sure the crocus are starting to push their way to the surface. The grass is already showing its delight and turning green. Life is coming back.

What a gift God has given us. Spring. But, it's not just the physical aspects of spring that is the gift, it's the renewal of life. God has shown us through the cycles of life that there is always a new beginning. Just as sure as day follows night, spring follows winter and birth follows death.

So, spring is on its way. Birds are singing dancing around the bird feeder and life is coming back. Thank you, God. Life is truly amazing!

Paradox

I have been thinking about paradox lately. It seems that all of life is a paradox. There are two sides to everything. There is light and dark. Good and evil. Male and female. Love and fear. According to the Tao, the world is made up of opposites or paradoxes and the world exists because of the tension between the two.

I get it. I see it everywhere. The world is so beautiful, it takes my breath away on many a day. Today is one of those days, we had a heavy snow last night and the vista from my bedroom window is incredibly beautiful.

Is there anything more inspiring than seeing an eagle soar? Or a lion basking in the sun? Yet, they are killers. The kill to survive. I have always struggled with this. I sometimes say that as a planet we will become enlightened and see God on the day that all creatures become vegetarians. Yet, I know that isn't going to happen. What I am beginning to see is that the pull of the polar opposites is necessary to creation. The killer is majestic, just as the lamb is majestic too.

Perhaps the tension is more about surrender. Perhaps it is in the surrender that we know God. Whether it is a surrender to love or to the talons of and eagle. One season surrenders to the next, just as every day we are shown the surrender of day into night and night into day. One can't exist without the other- what would day be if there was no night? Or perhaps it is about being a witness- one side of the paradox watching the other side, as a way of knowing oneself through seeing the opposite.

It is a puzzlement, as the King of Siam used to say in The King and I.

I feel that that one of the biggest elements of the spiritual path is surrender. What does that mean exactly? Father Bede Griffiths, according to Andrew Harvey, died into love. His union with God was complete once he "died into love." It means giving up the false self, letting go those things that bind us to us. I feel that in my life I have let go of so much. I allow God to take the reins often (at least, that's what I think I do, but do I really do that?). 

According to so many people throughout history and today's spiritual community talk about the "Dark Night of the Soul" and the necessity of experiencing it in order to progress along the spiritual path, it is the only way in which to achieve a union with God. Is that so? If there are paradoxes, and polar opposites, then why isn't it possible to achieve a union with God through a "Light filled day of the Soul?" 

These are my questions today. I look out my window and see the glory of God in my backyard, snow deep enough to almost touch my knees. This is God. God is right here right now. My questions are meaningless in the face of the beauty that I see. All is beautiful and all is perfect and that includes me as well. I don't need to strive or flail my body with whips to understand God, all I need do is to allow God to move within me, open my eyes and see the beauty and the horror that is mine to see. 

Easy, right?